Day 245 = Walking + Vienna

Third day off from work, and I was compelled to get out of the house. Normally I hate being sick, but my mentality about work has really been rejuventated, and I plan on going back with new ideas to meet my goals. So having strep throat also served as just taking personal days. I'm still on my Z-pack and not 100%, but at least not contagious. So I'll venture out to my friend Katherine's baby shower tonight. It's a co-ed thing, like a cocktail party, and Katherine is so cute. She's so tiny but all belly. There's a little girl in that belly, and we all can't wait to meet her.

My 15-mile run is looming tomorrow. I'd planned to really focus on my runs and workouts this week, but being knocked on my ass with strep throat prevented that. I'm very curious about how I'll perform tomorrow. I might just run 11 miles. I'm sure I have that in me. On my walk this afternoon, I felt my mojo coming back. Things are starting to turn around, and my positive outlook is starting to poke out again. As evidenced from recent blog entries, I sink into a negative world when I'm sick, and I'm totally aware of this. I hate being in that place. See that is why I hate feeling sick and helpless and negative.

But a song came through on my iPod that I forgot I had in my playlist today. It was "Vienna" by Billy Joel. I've never really listened to the words, but they had profound meaning to me today. Because I do have lots of ambition and feel trapped in the world I've created to accomplish my goals. It's a paradox. But the song basically says "chill out. you got this."

Vienna waits for you is a metaphor for life. Life is just life. Slow down. I may be ambitious, but that ambitioun won't make things go my way. I have to let go and let God.

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"Vienna" - By Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Day 244 = Walking + Why I'm Not Normal

Still sick. Still home from work. Throat hurts, especially when I yawn. But today I had to get up out this house! I went for a 40-minute walk.

Well, first I opened a bill from Seton Hospital. Seven stitches in the eyebrow is all fun and games until you get the bill for $1248. Hormonal, strep-throat-sick tears in the kitchen ensued. It was pretty horrific. Then I went for my walk.

Normally, working out makes everything all warm and fuzzy again. So I walked. And walked. And waited for the warm and fuzzies to overcome me. I tried to remember that I am very blessed, and this bill is not as bad as it could be. I tried to listen to a fun song, but I just walked around my neighborhood with a scowl on my face. And thought about other shit happening in my life. Errrgggghh.

I get so out of whack when I'm sick. I get out of my routine. I hate getting out of my routine. I'd like to think that I'm flexible and spontaneous, but I think I've been conditioned differently. To the outside world, I have my shit together. But really, I just have my routine because (here comes the A-HA moment) I crave control. It makes me feel safe to be able to "control" things in this plane of my universe. Yes, I put quotes around the word control on purpose. Please, if you will, allow me to live with this false sense of security because I obviously can't afford a therapist, let alone 7 stitches.

OK, so here we go.

I hate to admit that I crave control. I hate it, I tell you. I don't want to be that controlling bitch, but I guess I probably am. I've been trying that mantra "let go and let God" but let's just say it's slow going.

While having a job (albeit in a cube) and having a house to come home to is all "grown up" and signs of having one's shit tightly in tact, it is really just a trap. An evil trap that provides the ultimate false sense of security. And then you wake up one day with strep throat and get all out of the routine and take a look around and are like, "What the fuck is all this for? I don't need 6 dining chairs."

[Earmuffs, Mom]

I can pinpoint the turning point in my life when things got out of control and I had to be the resilient kid and just go with it. Obviously, it was my parents' divorce. I moved around a lot when I was a kid and lived in different houses and went to different schools and made different friends. I even lived in England and had to re-make friends there. Then I came back to the States and had to re-make friends again - twice. I had no choice but to bounce back. It probably did make me stronger, but this is why I do not have kids. Then my dad died, and not to sound belittling or anything, but that was a devastating upturn in my life, which also made me like superhero strong woman. But I get tired of being strong and getting up and doing that everyday. Why can't I just make soup and sandwiches for homeless people on Mondays and then maybe, like, run around Town Lake and nap on Tuesdays?

Now that I'm aware of the by-products of my upbringing (and I've only lightly skimmed the surface of that here), that is the first step. I don't remember being an anxious kid before my parents divorced. But now, I live a life with anxiety because I don't know what's going to happen next. That's scary to me. So my routine keeps me grounded and feeling safe, like I can control something, but "feeling safe" is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it sucks. Maslow's hierarchy of needs can kiss my ass.

My craving for safety probably explains my no relationship policy. Well, it's not really a policy, it's more like a reality. Not only do men probably smell eau de controlling bitch a mile away, but it will take a very special man to get me to let down my guard and change my routine to be available for him, and so far I haven't met that guy. I mean, I get all Rainmanny 6 o'clock Wapner about my routine. Plus, I don't want to get hurt and disappointment and drama have run their course. Life is too short for that shit.

So I've devised this plan. Take this blog worldwide and get out of the cube job and sell the house and branch out and take a not-so-safe risk. For this, I need a new blog name, but no one suggested any winners in the contest. So I've been brainstorming and researching blog names the last two days while I've been at home. I have almost 60 names identified. I'm really taking this seriously. Did you know babyfishmouth.com is taken?

Sick and Bored

Here's what I found out from this link. I was just wondering how many hours I'd been alive, since I heard that doing something for 10,000 hours will foster excellence.

24 February 1974

Your date of conception was on or about 3 June 1973, which was a Sunday.

You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 11.
Your fortune cookie reads: You were born with the skill to communicate with people easily.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The golden number for 1974 is 18.
The epact number for 1974 is 6.
The year 1974 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/23/1974 and ending 2/10/1975.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Wolf; your plant is Plantain.

As of 11/4/2009 9:09:14 PM EDT You are 35 years old.
You are 429 months old.
You are 1,862 weeks old.
You are 13,037 days old.
You are 312,909 hours old.
You are 18,774,549 minutes old.
You are 1,126,472,954 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Billy Zane (1966)
Kristin Davis (1965)
Eddie Murray (1956)
Steven Jobs (1955)
Alain Prost (1955)
Edward James Olmos (1947)
Joe Lieberman (1942)
James Farentino (1938)
Michel Legrand (1932)
Abe Vigoda (1921)
Chester W. Nimitz (1885)
Enrico Caruso (1873)

Top songs of 1974
The Way We Were by Barbra Streisand
Seasons In the Sun by Terry Jacks
The Streak by Ray Stevens
Having My Baby by Paul Anka
Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
Billy, Don't Be a Hero by Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods
Annie's Song by John Denver
The Loco-Motion by Grand Funk
TSOP (The Sound of Philadelphia) by MFSB with the Three Degrees
I Can Help by Billy Swan

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 5.10254403131115 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

Your lucky day is Thursday.
Your lucky number is 3 & 7.
Your ruling planet(s) is Jupiter & Neptune.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Virgo.
Your opposition number(s) is 5.
Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 112 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 36 candles.
Those 36 candles produce 36 BTUs,or 9,072 calories of heat (that's only 9.0720 food Calories!).

You can boil 4.11 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1974 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.

In 1974 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1974 in the US there were approximately 2,158,802 marriages (10.6%) and 708,000 divorces (3.5%)
In 1974 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

Your birth flower is IRIS.
Your birthstone is Amethyst. Amethyst is used to increase spiritually.
Your birth tree is Pine Tree, the Particularity

Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waxing crescent.

Day 243 = Resistance Bands + Strep Throat

In 35 years, I've never had strep throat. It's very contagious and very painful and mostly annoying. Of course, while I'm sick, I wonder if I'm going to lose any weight? I hate being sick. I feel so helpless. And I hate not being able to work out when I want. I miss it already. But I am just too tired and too wussed out to push my luck with a run or a walk or a gym workout. So resistance bands it is. I want to make my biceps pop anyway.

Plus, I've taken this fine opportunity to catch up on my Netflix streaming queue. I watched Man On Wire.

Oh. My. God.

You need to watch this movie. It's about the time that Philippe Petit, a French highwire artist, snuck into the World Trade Center in 1974 (and even back then security was somewhat tight) and rigged a wire between the two towers then walked across the wire about 8 times. He even lay down on the wire and knelt on the wire. (Is lay the right grammar here? I can't remember.) I felt strangely uncomfortable watching so much intimate footage of the WTC being built and the topping off ceremony and then the plan that was concocted to rig the wire between the towers. Anyway, good movie. I admire Philippe's joie de vivre.

I also watched more comedy (like Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic) because my young comic mentor advised me to think of the comics I like and what I like about them. So what I've really learned today is that I really need to open up and be much more brutally honest than I already am. I really need to just really let go on stage. That is a freeing sensation I look forward to. Like peeing with the door open when there's a guy in the house.

Then 4 pm rolled around and I turned on Oprah. What did I ever see in her? Her show has gone downhill. I just don't relate to her topics anymore. Why you gotta let me down like that, Oprah?

Day 242 = Resistance Bands + FMPs

Am I getting sick? What is this white stuff hanging out behind my right tonsil? And how swollen is the right side of my neck going to get?

I hate being sick.

Today I wore my FMPs (fuck me pumps) to work. I hate when I look so cute and go to work and NO ONE notices. But today, my coworkers said I looked very professional. I was like, don't I look professional normally? They said yes. Then we had a 2-hour sushi lunch just cuz.

Tonight I used the Neti pot, and OH. MY. GOD. It felt like I was pouring salt into a huge open wound under my skin on the right side of my face. It was excruciating! And there was nothing I could do about it but white-knuckle the bathroom counter and fight back tears until the pain subsided.

Yep. I'm sick.

Day 241 = Gym + Running + Mondays

I felt so lethargic today, I had to get out for a run tonight after work to blow off some steam or psych myself up or burn off more Halloween candy. I miss the sunshine. I'm hating Daylight Savings Time. And I hate Mondays.

I haven't been feeling 100%, so that might explain the lethargy. Or maybe I'm just still catching up on the weekend, which is highly likely. But that's not why I hate this Monday. It was just a shitty day at work. First I was late to my workout. It's at 7:30 am these days on Monday, but that 30-minute difference makes all the difference in the world when it comes to traffic. Before 7 am, I can just fly through all the green lights and the school crossing flashing light isn't on, so I can drive 50 mph down Parmer instead of 35 mph behind a bunch of parents heading to the school.

I had packed some winter work shorts to wear today and DID NOT PACK BOOTS. Then I realized I had a meeting at 9 am (not the normal 9:30 am) so I only had 20-30 minutes to get dressed at the gym then had to make the decision to go home and get real shoes. Was not going to be seen in my work clothes wearing flip flops or Brooks.

Being late for the meeting, I alerted my team of my tardiness and asked for a dial-in number, which resulted in my boss reaming me via text message about being irresponsible and being late and saying I had to present today. To which I replied, "What presentation?"

And this is all before 10 am. Oh, happy day. Please manifest!

Day 240 = Resistance Bands + Makin Friends

Oh ye day o' recovery after a night of drinking. I wouldn't call it a hangover, per se, it's more like just being completely worn out, disoriented and fuzzy. My standard prescription of 3 Ibuprofen kicked in a few hours ago, so it's starting to look up. And a fat breakfast of pancakes, eggs and bacon works wonders.

I have to admit that I'm a little anxious about comedy tonight because of CCL. Will he be there? Will he talk to me? Will the girlfriend be with him? Awkward. I'm not mad. I just want to be friends and to get his solicited feedback on my set. It's important to have friends at the club, and it's nice to show up and know people who know you and you can carry on a conversation with them and help each other out with jokes and punch lines. Of course, most people there are guys, but I guess I'm going to have to make more of an effort to reach out to the women myself and make female friends. Especially if I want to be in Chick Schtick. And slowly but surely, people are getting to know me and remember my name and sometimes even give me a hug when they see me. And sometimes even comment on my set. I need the support. I welcome the feedback and the comaraderie. One thing I've learned about hanging with this comedy set is they are kind of tight-knit and just a different crowd. Not a bad crowd, just different. I like different.

Well, here's how my comedy set went down tonight. I stood in line and at one point looked behind me at the end of the line and saw CCL, lookin all sad and "poor me." Yeah, I bet he's had a rough day. Or maybe he was hungover. Did I see him the rest of the night? No. But he did stay and see my set; I never saw him there. Didn't even know he was in the building. He gave me some feedback via text message, and I will take that to heart. So thanks, secret CCL, wherever you are tonight. And I'm assuming you're in some kind of emotional vise grip for your girlfriend to prove your love to her. Keep ya head up, kid. You'll figure this out.

My set was just OK. I keep reminding myself that I'm still new and I'll get better. I do get laughs every time I'm up there, and hey, 80% of anything is just showing up. So I'm just interested to see where this hobby will take me. And due to the hangover and anxiousness about my comedy and long nap, I only had time to fit in resistance bands tonight.