Day 334 = Gym + hCG

Have you heard of the hCG diet? It was also mentioned on Livestrong.com and you can read more about it here.

My friend Trey went on the hCG diet under his doctor's supervision and lost more than 50 pounds. He had 50 pounds to lose. I don't have that much. But what is so attractive to me is that the hCG diet targets fat and makes your body live off your fat stores during the 23-day course of injections of hCG. So I'm considering it. If I lose a pound a day, then 23 days should be just about right.

The rub is that I hate needles. So not sure if I'd be able to inject myself.

Tonight, I stuck to the old-fashioned way of fitness with good, ol' exercise at the gym. I have no doubt that I am able to maintain any weight loss. Because I've been working out for 334 days in a row, this is the first year that I started out without the resolution of losing weight. Sure I want to lose a few pounds in some targeted spots, but it's not like it's a hovering goal that I feel like I have to set in order to accomplish it. I work out everyday, so it's not a daunting thought to me.

At the gym tonight it was clear that there are people who are still going strong to follow through on their new year's resolutions. It's good to see so much enthusiasm for being fit because that's what it's about.

Day 311 = Gym + Popcorn

Tonight after a 10-hour day at the old Dell campus, where Mistelle and I were quietly and diligently processing our leads, I went to the gym. My first day back at work after my second round of strep throat began with finding out that while I was out in December, the media agency I'm forced to use decided to spend all my money on paid search, totally ignoring the contract and admitting in writing to making an "erroneous assumption." I wrote in boldface and underlined in an email that this was absolutely unacceptable. Monday at 9 am and I'm already debating on the approach I may or may not take to tear a new asshole into someone. So I tried to sit on that email until after my next four meetings.

At the gym, lots of people seemed to be sticking to their New Year's resolution of getting in shape. It was 8pm when I got there, and most of the cardio machines were still full! Since I started this challenge in March, this is the first year since I can remember that I didn't make the resolution to "get back in shape" because I am already. Well, I'd like to lose a few more pounds, but I'm working on it. I was tired but pushed through a workout on my own. It went something like this:

• 11 min on the elliptical trainer listening to my iPod
• 3 sets of leg lift crunches in the Roman chair (all my sets are at least 15 reps)
• 2 sets of dips
• A little circuit of 2 sets each of chest press with 15 lb. weights (too light for me now), the "lawnmower" back exercise and a series of crunches, reverse crunches, seated leg crunches
• Then another little circuit with the lat pull down and the trapezoid push down (that's what I call it anyway)
• Then another little circuit of bicep curls with the long 30 lb. dumbbell and some kind of dumbbell lift and squat that Regan taught me, which I have no idea what it's called, paired with this oblique twist with the Freemotion machine.

I have to tell you that you need to run out right now and buy Orville Redenbacher's Natural Buttery Salt and Cracked Pepper popcorn. One bag is 160 calories, and it's perfect for dinner tonight.

I also want to tell iPhone users about this app I use to keep up with my favorite blogs. It's called RSS Runner by Francois Goldgewicht and it's free. The web site is here: /www.golden-apps.com/.

Day 278 = Gym + Last Session

Oh, so sad that this morning was my last session with Regan. Whatever will I do on Monday and Wednesday mornings or when I step into a gym from now on?

I have absolutely loved training with Regan twice a week for the last six or so months. I have seen fabulous results. In fact, we took my measurements today and I've lost 8% body fat and 7 inches around my waist, plus more inches around my hips and other areas. Success!

Day 276 = Gym + On My Own

So this morning I was on my own at the gym. I was a little shy at first, and it was weird seeing Regan in the trainer area training someone else. But oh well. I better get used to it because money doesn't grow on trees and Regan doesn't work for free. I did end up burning about 375 calories according to the BodyBugg, so that's not too bad for "on my own." That tells me that I did retain some of the fine knowledge that Regan threw down on me.

Tonight I started planning my Christmas party and decorated my tree. I have used a blonde-haired, brown-eyed angel for about 13 years, and I'm wondering if I should change and go with a star. She just looks so dark up there with all the lights on the tree. I also think my tree needs something. Like a ribbon, but I don't know how people do that. I am not good at stringing lights and decorating a tree. Every year, I put as many lights on the tree as I can and just hang eclectic ornaments all over it. I'm sure there's a better technique to decorating a tree, kind of like they do on TV and in magazines and at The White House, but I don't have that special touch.

Day 271 = Gym + Match.com Date #1

This morning I worked out with Regan at the gym. She really throws so many workouts and variations at me. I hope I can remember them because today is my last official session. I remember a lot of the basics, but I'm not sure I'll be hopping on that step by myself.

Remember match.com and me joining up on this Internet wasteland? Well, tonight I had my first date, and I thought it went well. His name was Russell, and he was tall and looked like that guy on "Sleepless in Seattle" and "While You Were Sleeping" and "Mr. Wrong." Oh, that guy's name is Bill Pullman. He's cute.

We met at the Draught House, and he was already there. So match.com of him to beat me there, but I think I was late. I couldn't decide what to wear since nothing seemed to be clean enough to wear, and I didn't want to drag out 4-day old dirty jeans to wear on a first date. Russell drinks Guinness, so two points for him already. And he works for some hologram-making company, which I thought was pretty cool. But most of all, I remember he kept me laughing most of the time, so that is big time score for him.

At the end of the date, he hugged me and said he wanted to see me again. I said something to the effect of "yeah, I'm agreeable to that," but it was a little more casual. He's going out of town this weekend, so I hope I hear from him next week. Maybe match.com isn't so bad. For now, anyway.

Day 266 = Gym + Jukeboxes

For my brother's 31st birthday this year, I gave him a membership to a gym. No, I wasn't trying to send any message. This is what he wanted. For today's workout, he said he'd take me to his gym so we could work out "together."

My mom took me to his new house, and he gave big sis the obligatory tour. Jason now has two jukeboxes in his living room. One is his; the other is mine. And somehow, some way, I will get that jukebox back to Austin. It's a 1961 Seeburg, and it played music at my dad's office. The one that Jason is keeping is a lot cooler, but it's bigger and heavier, and it's the one that was in our house. The one in this photo is the one that will be in my living room at some point. Then I'll have to find someone to fix it. And then will be the fun task of filling it with records. Maybe I'll host a sock hop. With Jell-O shots.

At the gym, I made the rounds. Working out with Regan has trained me well. Jason and I didn't do much working out together, but he did spot me at one point. Thanks, bro.

Day 262 = Gym + Running Shoes

This morning was my gym workout with Regan, and we are still seeing results. I can't wait for my family and friends to see me when I fly to Arkansas tomorrow to see them all for Thanksgiving.

I promised an entry about running shoes, so here it is in bullet points.

• Get fitted by a professional. Go to a reputable running store if you can. People at Foot Locker or Academy may be helpful but may not be trained to fit you for proper running shoes. You will want to know if you overpronate or underpronate; if you have a high or low arch; if you have a narrow foot (the two latter you probably already know).
• Take the wet test. You can do this before you get fitted. If anything, it will give you more insight on a personal level for when you set about buying your shoes. Runner's World has a good article here. In fact, Runner's World has a lot of great stuff to say about buying running shoes.
• Don't fall in love with the aesthetics or price. You might think the pink or blue shoe is a lot cuter than the gray one, but the gray one might fit. If the right shoe for you is the fugliest one in the store and costs more than your budget, get the shoe. Trust me. I went shopping for running shoes with my mom and she kept trying to steer me to some cute shoes and I had to explain to her that is not what I'm here for.
• When you find your shoe or a few choices, hold it up and bend it. If it bends in the toe, then it's a good shoe. If it bends in the middle then it's a problem. I'm not sure why, but this was a tip from a coach. And common sense says that your foot bends at the toe so the shoe should bend there, too.
• Get a size bigger. I wear a size 7 in every other shoe I own. But for running shoes (I'm wearing Brooks Glycerin now), I wear an 8.5. In Asics, I wear an 8. It depends on the shoe. But you want room in the toe box. When you're standing up, see if you can fit your thumb width between the tip of your big toe and the end of the shoe. If so, then it's big enough.
• Choose your socks wisely. I don't recommend thick or thin; it's totally a preference. Personally, I wear normal terrycloth running socks. I tried the thin dryfit socks on a run and my feet have never hated me more. Find socks you like and wear them forever.
• Get orthotics if you need them. I bought orthotics in the summer of 2006. I recently had them updated in February 2009. They cost about $400 from a podiatrist, and they are custom made for my feet. Both are unique because my feet are not identical.
• Trade out your shoes. Like you might run every other run in one pair and then offset the other runs with another pair. This lets your shoes last longer and I think that because the shoes stay newer longer then it allows for a more comfortable run. Just my speculation, though.

That's all I can think of now. My favorite brands are Brooks and Asics, and it's OK to wear both and trade out brands. I used to wear Mizuno, and I wore Saucony for my first half marathon. I'm by no means a shoe expert, but I hope my experience can help. It's amazing how many people do not give that much thought to their shoes when shoes are the most critical piece of equipment for runners!

Day 257 = Gym + Seriously?

This morning, I was like "this hurts" and "I don't like this" and "I can't feel my arms" and Regan was like, "Girl, you look so tiny." And then I smiled and blushed, but then I still griped and grunted through my workout.

I'm going to keep this entry short because I don't want to rehash the day's events at work, but I just have to say that sometimes I have to be bad cop. And most of the time, I'M the bad cop. I don't like playing that role, but sometimes I find it easy to channel my inner biotch. You don't know how many times I had to bite my tongue on a conference call in an effort to "be profesional" because you can't just tell people to "fucking nut up" in a business environment. I mean, seriously? How can a vendor think it's OK to not escalate a problem that's existed for THREE WEEKS when we are less than 2 weeks from a launch? Seriously.

Drivin' me to take Adivan. That's what it's doing.

Day 255 = Gym + Nap

Today was another FMP day because you know I had the ops review to present, followed by a webcast that I was hosting and then a "lunch and learn" meeting to present to people in one of Dell's business units what my team does and does not do, which is critical to point out. That we aren't just your bitch.

Then after that, I worked a little more and then went home and took a nap. I woke up and it was dark. It's like, "Do I just stay in bed or do I get up and piddle around until real bedtime?" I decided to get up and work on this blog.

My gym workouts with Regan are soon coming to an end. I'm not buying any more for a while. I can't afford it. I need new tires. And it's Christmastime soon, so I will need to buy gifts for people. Maybe even one for Regan. So meanwhile, I need to start writing down what I do at the gym so I can replicate it. My gym workouts go by so fast. There's something with a Bosu ball and the Roman chair thing where I work on my core. But you should see my guns! Whatever I'm doing, it's working.

The unicorn pic makes no sense, but does it really have to?

Day 250 = Gym + Swimming + Well, Swimming

I don't mind two-a-days. I'd do them every day if I could work from home. I just like getting out of the house and being active. So I had my gym workout this morning then went swimming for 30 minutes tonight. No idea how many laps that was, so don't ask.

Usually, I come up with my comedy sets and other jokes when I'm running, but swimming does nothing for me. I get so bored. A friend told me that it's more fun to swim with friends, but I can't really put my head around that concept. I mean, do you swim and talk at the same time? Or are you just shooting the shit at the end of the pool? And how can you guarantee that you're swimming with people are are FUN to swim with?

Thank goodness it's just for 30 minutes tonight.

I used to swim with my dad almost daily, and I wonder what Michael Phelps sees in this? He must have the FUN swimmer friends. I was in Key West with Paul last year watching the Olympics from a bar that had naked women on the velvet wallpaper. So that is where I happened to be when Phelps earned that 8th medal from the relay. Ah, now that was a fun trip.

Day 248 = Gym + European Memories

Yes - another personal training session at the gym. You're probably tired of hearing about it, but suck it up because I'm about finished with my sessions, and you will get to hear about new workouts then (probably at the gym).

I'm not really sure what to blog about today, so I thought I'd copy and paste an email I wrote when I was backpacking through Europe. Enjoy.

-------------------------------------

From: Heather

Sent: Saturday, August 17, 2002 8:45 AM
To: Mom and Richard
Subject: Stuff from Heather

We are in Inverness, Scotland today, Aug. 17. It's about 2:37 p.m. and we are at the library and waiting for the bus to take us to Loch Ness. We are going to find the monster! We are probably going to tour Inverness either later today and tomorrow before we leave. We are going to Orkney tomorrow and then to the Isle of Skye and Oban/Iona and then back to Edinburgh, where we wanted to stay last night but there were NO rooms anywhere there. And Glasgow and St. Andrews was also sold out. I'd like to also tour a whiskey distillery.

After that, we are going back to Devizes on Friday and Roger and Jan are going to drive us to the Isle of Wight to see Scott for the weekend. On our way home, we are going by Stonehenge and maybe Salisbury. The rest of next week, we are going to Liverpool, Stratford on Avon and Cornwall or Wales. That all depends on if we stop at any of those places on our way back from Edinburgh. Scotland is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. And I hate to say it (don't tell Richard) but I would rather come back to Scotland than England if I had a choice. I just love it here.

I have been journaling a lot and I think I will probably end up having to buy another journal before I leave here! I am running out of pages! I guess that's what happens when you try to find yourself. I've made a lot of observations and I've lost about 5-7 pounds I would say. I still have a fat gut, but the scale says otherwise.

Well, internet time is short, so I will talk to you later. I love you all, and give Ringo a big hug from mommy!

Heather

Day 241 = Gym + Running + Mondays

I felt so lethargic today, I had to get out for a run tonight after work to blow off some steam or psych myself up or burn off more Halloween candy. I miss the sunshine. I'm hating Daylight Savings Time. And I hate Mondays.

I haven't been feeling 100%, so that might explain the lethargy. Or maybe I'm just still catching up on the weekend, which is highly likely. But that's not why I hate this Monday. It was just a shitty day at work. First I was late to my workout. It's at 7:30 am these days on Monday, but that 30-minute difference makes all the difference in the world when it comes to traffic. Before 7 am, I can just fly through all the green lights and the school crossing flashing light isn't on, so I can drive 50 mph down Parmer instead of 35 mph behind a bunch of parents heading to the school.

I had packed some winter work shorts to wear today and DID NOT PACK BOOTS. Then I realized I had a meeting at 9 am (not the normal 9:30 am) so I only had 20-30 minutes to get dressed at the gym then had to make the decision to go home and get real shoes. Was not going to be seen in my work clothes wearing flip flops or Brooks.

Being late for the meeting, I alerted my team of my tardiness and asked for a dial-in number, which resulted in my boss reaming me via text message about being irresponsible and being late and saying I had to present today. To which I replied, "What presentation?"

And this is all before 10 am. Oh, happy day. Please manifest!

Day 236 = Gym + Halloween Costumes

I can't believe how perplexed I've been about this year's costume. I've had some respectable ideas in the past:

2004 = Dorothy (with Theresa in Denver)
2005 = Skipped it for Dan's birthday
2006 = Gangsta Bitch Barbie and Catholic School Girl (2 different parties)
2007 = Tickled Pink
2008 = Skipped it with Paul in Ft. Lauderdale

Regan and I have been discussing my costume during my gym workouts ever since I found out my friends Kristina and Michael are throwing a Halloween party brought to you by the letter B. For you slow ones out there, that means my costume idea has to start with a B.

At first, I was going to go as Beyonce like in the "Single Ladies" video (song = annoying; video = mesmerizing). I even considered getting some backup dancers like the sketch from SNL.

Then I thought of Baby Fish Mouth. I love that movie, When Harry Met Sally, and everyone I'd mention this to would get it. But then I just wasn't sold on it myself and how I was going to pull it off.

Next - and this has been the winner for like the past 4 weeks - I decided to be Baby Got Back. I was going to put an LA Lakers logo on my cheek and get some pants and write OAKLAND on the ass and stuff my butt. Get it? "LA face with an Oakland booty."

And just this week I'd decided I'd go as Burnet Road and wear a shirt that looks like a road and glue pictures of the funky signs on the shirt to appear like you are driving down the road. I even printed out all the photos. But as the day draws closer, I am still undecided. I make decisions all day, so why is picking a freakin' costume so baffling?

I searched a Halloween store after work tonight for a Bad Cop costume. That seems to be what all the guys on Facebook are rooting for. But costumes out of a bag are cheap and they suck.

Tonight as I'd just crawled into bed, I started getting text messages from my cousin about Halloween costumes. Barbarella. Love it. OK. But we are 3 days from the party, and I just don't see that one coming together. But I was motivated enough to comb through the B section of the dictionary to find something. Here are some ideas:

• bookworm
• bag lady (just cover yourself with grocery bags)
• box of wine (rigged with the bladder of wine from a real box! you'll always have a drink with you)
• binary code - a shirt and maybe pants that is covered in 0s and 1s
• bar graph - make a sheet like a spreadsheet and put a bar graph on it that measures something funny
• butter
• bearded lady - dress really hot but wear a beard
• bedazzled - get a bedazzler and bedazzle an outfit
• behalf - put the letter B all down one half my body
• besides - get a shirt and put Bs all down the sides
• bubbly - put bubble like material on my clothes and bring bubbles to blow
• bubble wrap
• beige - wear all beige
• brownie - like from girl scouts
• bipolar - put a north pole sign on a hat on my head and south pole sign somewhere south
• bad breakup - not sure how to pull this off
• blonde bombshell
• bejesus - get a jesus outfit and put a big B on the front; maybe wear a belt with a bible on it (get it, bible belt?)
• Botticelli - like from Primavera
• belly laugh - get a shirt and write laugh all over the belly part
• black eyed pea - dress like a pea and do a fake black eye with makeup
• big dipper - get a black long sleeve shirt and glue on rhinestones to create the big dipper
• billboard - can say a clever slogan but would be hard to move around in all night
• braille - put a bunch of bumps on my shirt
• Brie
• blue ribbon
• blue blood - instead of covering myself in gory red blood, make up some blue colored blood
• box office - would have to make something using a cardboard box or something
• bridezilla
• butterfly

I think I have my idea. But it's not mentioned here... it will be a surprise for you all!

Day 234 = Gym + Windows 7

The manager at the 24 Hour Fitness where I work out called me today and wants me to come in and give a motivational testimonial speech of some sort to his staff during a meeting. I was flattered, although I don't feel like my results are where they need to be. I want to lose another 10 pounds, if not 20, which I remember weighing in 10th grade and thinking I was SO FAT. Kids just have no idea. NO IDEA.

Tonight, I wanted to be a team player and get a free copy of Windows 7 for my home laptop, so I held a Windows 7 launch party. At work, all I do is manage a Dell/Microsoft lead-generation program, so I am inundated with Microsoft messaging all day long. I am a PC. I'm not ashamed. However, I switched over to enterprise programs (that's servers for you non-tech people) while my colleague is handling client, also known as PCs. If Windows 7 was vomit (which it's not), then she'd be throwing up a little bit of it in her mouth everyday. I used to be in that role and pushed Windows Vista. I actually sat in a meeting with Microsoft execs who looked me in the eye and said, "Heather, you've done more for Windows Vista than Microsoft has." And I was like, "Uh, thanks?"

I invited some friends and decided to just make it a mini Monday night social gathering with beans and cornbread and key lime pie, which I made last night while cougar cub lover checked up on his fantasy football team or whatever.

Speaking of last night, I'm soooo tired. I can't do these Sunday night all night workouts. I'm not saying I'm no spring chicken. I'm just saying that I have a real job where I have to be in meetings and make decisions all day rather than live with two roommates and wait tables and not own a car, like cougar cub. He has no idea, but he's understanding. That's cute.

Fast forward to after the party --> Tonight I had a dream about a little black girl - she was about 10 or 12 and small for her age and she was pregnant, and I was telling her that she had options. We were at the house I grew up in on Bunker Hill. Then a few days ago, I dreamt there was this black guy who looked like the bailiff on "Night Court" but talked like a hillbilly, and he kept asking me out on a date (he was sitting in a truck at one point with his hand on the wheel) and I was like, no, I'm just not feeling it with you. His teeth were horrible, and I have a thing about teeth. If your teeth are bad then you probably weren't loved enough as a kid, and that's baggage I don't want to deal with. Hey, don't judge. I will now let it slide if you order spaghetti on a first date (idiot), but teeth I just don't want to get near bad, nasty, snaggly teeth. I dated a guy for 8 months with a dead tooth who was a sweetheart but I never had feelings for him. Guess what? His parents didn't care about him. See - my theory is solid.

Anyway, are my dreams racist?

Day 231 = Gym + Mom

I gotta feelin', that today's gonna be a good day! I know, not quite the Black Eyed Peas song you were hoping for, but it's only 9:30 am.

I worked out at the gym this morning and again, there goes Regan with her compliments. "You look so tiny!" And I was like, "Really, my muffin top is becoming a mini muffin?" We did these squat things over the stool (the one that I HATE) and she was like sit, but don't sit. And I was like, I hate this. And she was like, it's gonna make your butt look good. And I was like, good, because I want my ass to pop out like a shelf, yo.

So after the gym, I went to Einstein's Bagels and actually sat down and ate breakfast and caught up on some blog reading from my iPhone. Then my boss called, and here is where it gets good, y'all, he was like, "TAKE THE DAY OFF!" And I was like, hellllzzzz yeah. See, nice guy!

It's really perfect timing because my mom is coming to visit me this weekend. Here is a picture of her when she was about my age. She was HOT. A total MILF, and I'm just saying that because I know there are men who'd say that but of course I'd never try to impose that activity on my mother. It is my sweet mother, Carol.

Now you know with my spreadsheets and lists and agendas, I have the weekend planned already. First I'm going to pick her up at the airport and then we are going to walk around Town Lake. Tonight we're going to dinner with some of my friends. Tomorrow while I run 12 miles, she's going to walk around my neighborhood. Then we're going shopping and getting pedicures and looking for Halloween costumes and then a cooking class. And on Sunday before she leaves, we're having brunch with more friends and then another walk around Town Lake (she likes Town Lake) and then who knows what. We'll just play it by ear.

Oh - and all the catching up to do. Having her visit is way better than Skype.

Day 229 = Gym + Efficiency

My Polar heart monitor battery is dead again, and I feel naked without it. I discovered it this morning before I went to the gym. The LED was fading out. But I do have the BodyBugg, which is still much more accurate. But now I have to go to Target or Walmart or somewhere where I have to park and get out of the car and go stand and wait and then wait some more because the person behind the counter isn't the person to change watch batteries and then the person who can shows up and fiddles with the insides just to get the battery to release and then makes me insert and screw/unscrew all the pieces to get the battery to fit because THEY don't want to be liable.

So yeah. I'm going to need a glass of wine just THINKING about that tedium and lack of efficiency.

Today at work in a meeting, my coworkers told me that I had created a science for efficiencies. Evidently, they think I am uber efficient. I shared some best practices and suggestions for this - one being that I just don't answer all my emails. I prioritize. So that combined with my daily affirmation ball that said, "At least I love you," made for a better day than yesterday.

Day 227 = Gym + Miss Piggy

Working out everyday for the past 227 days makes me think that I definitely need people in my life who are workout-oriented. Yes, I have great friends who are the antithesis of this, and I love them and will not shun them (in fact, I love hanging around them!), but it's important for me personally to take care of myself. Even Miss Piggy is a diva who takes care of herself.

I can relate to Miss Piggy. Girly girl. Blonde hair. Always chasing after that one frog (or guy, in my case, but he's probably just another frog). Over the top. Sometimes obnoxious. Sometimes vulnerable, but she tries hard to hide that. Karate-chopping flirt. Not a perfect model body (being a pig and all) but very secure in her own skin. She's one sexy Muppet! Miss Piggy is a total inspiration.

This morning I went to the gym and had my measurements taken. Sometimes I think Regan is lying to me just to make herself look like a bad-ass trainer in hopes of convincing me to buy more sessions. But good news is, I'm down a few pounds and several inches and like another 1% of body fat. So much so that I'm in a different body fat category. Regan said that when she runs my numbers without including the caliper measurements, my body fat is 5% lower than what the calipers say. DAMN! I love results! I am doing this for myself, and in this transition I've found that I don't want the bad foods and the alcohol because I don't want the results from consuming these items. It's just a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.

Tonight I made this HEB Tomato Basil soup that you make with tomatoes and buy in the produce section - love it! It's only 110 calories per 1 cup serving if you don't add the butter and oil (and instead just use Pam and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray).

Day 224 = Gym + Lipstick

This morning at the gym, my ass tendonitis was on fire. I had physical therapy yesterday for my hip. My PT said I also had some tendonitis in my glutes. Seriously? I didn't know I could get it there. It stems from the laberal tear in my hip.

To ease my pain, I decided to take the opportunity to go big or go home with a lipstick makeover.

Some people say (well, Leonard Lauder the chairman of Estee Lauder said) that lipstick purchases indicate the health of the economy. It's like how women buy more lipstick in a down economy because it's still a purchase, yet it's not like a $525 pair of Prada strappy heels. I'm looking for the perfect matte nude lip gloss that is nude enough to cover my naturally red lips, which are being a nuisance in my pursuit to look all trendy. Currently, I'm using Prescriptives gloss in "Manicure" but I'm almost out and I think it's a little too shiny.

I love lipstick. My mom calls it the icing on the cake. A spy once had a lipstick gun, which is on display in the Spy Museum in Washington, DC. I'd have one if I were a spy.

I ended up coming home with a set of fat hot rollers, three types of mascara (I can never have enough since my eyelashes are blonde), Lip Fusion in "Glow" and Urban Decay in "Kirk." The picture is of Kirk and yes, the lid is a hologram where you see Kirk take his clothes off.

Day 222 = Gym + Jokes

Because of the two weeks of Booze Fest 2009 behind me, I convinced Regan to not take my measurements because I had my "month friend." After my workout, I spent about 20 minutes on the Elliptical trainer because I still felt like shit. What I like to do when I'm on the Elliptical is close my eyes and daydream. You can't do this when you're running because of the obvious dangers, but on the Elliptical, my feet are good and stable in the pedals and I can hang on to something. And then, like the hard-core Pisces that I am, the daydreaming to the soundtrack on my iPod begins.

Since Sunday night at the Cap City Comedy Club, I've been itching for next Sunday to roll around so I can get up there again. I don't plan on quitting my day job or hearing from Leno's people anytime soon, but I like to try to say funny stuff because it's something that makes me feel good. Selfish, yes. But it is what it is.

That said, I cleaned off my digital voice recorder and started some freestyle recording. I'll let you know if it's comedy gold or vomit.

Day 217 = Gym + Cougars

More planning. Another morning gym workout. I knew tonight was going to be a late night, so I planned my workout for early in the day. I went to see a comedy show with a few friends and then the show's after party. You know you have good friends when they pull you off one dance floor right before you start to become a complete fool and pull you onto another dance floor. I'm sure I accomplished looking like a fool at both locations. I was just letting loose and having fun. If there's a dance floor and vodka nearby, I am not far away.

I blame it on my new "Magic Jeans," which were practically falling off my hips. They looked great with those new red wedge sandals I bought on Wednesday. I think I lost three pounds dancing. I ended up with a dollar bill tip that fell out of my bra later when I was at home. I remember saying to Craig when he gave it to me, "you'll never see this again." And then there was some guy named Biff. I know his name was Biff because we went 5 rounds of me yelling over the music, "your name is really Biff?" His reply: "yes, it's Biff." Me: "really? it's Biff?"

Vodka.

My interaction with men tonight has left me once again bewildered. I was completely oblivious to some of what was going on around me while I was dancing, but my friends told me they'd had some downright rude things said to them. Where do men get off saying this stuff to women? To women they do not even know? Where are their manners? For instance, here's a conversation I got the play-by-play on later.

Friend 1: "Nice reference to cougars tonight." [sarcastically]

Comedy Guy: "I was hoping there'd be a table of cougars tonight and I looked up and the gods smiled and there you were."

Friend 2: "But technically aren't you 40? So we're not technically cougars to you."

Comedy Guy: ...something about how my friends should look him up on Facebook

Friend 1: "You can look me up under cougar."

Comedy Guy: ...turns his back on Friend 1 and says to Friend 2: "You're someone worth looking up and who I could see myself with later tonight."

Yeah. Really.

Of course, later in the night I ran into Comedy Guy, who I'd met once before through a mutual friend, and I told him I wasn't a cougar. I think he said, oh yeah, then show me your boobs. I flashed him the top part of my boob that is also visible when I'm wearing a swimsuit or a low cut shirt. Meanwhile, when it comes to the guy I do like, it feels like blind eye/deaf ear with him. I'm about to give up on you, just so you know.

Vodka.