Just another Thursday night working late at Dell. So late that I broke out the resistance bands and worked my arms. I'm figna be cut up in these guns. My work day ended with me trying to cancel my subscription on match.com. Let me tell you a story...As a fairy tale might read, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. But in today’s terms, you have to go through A LOT of online dating profiles to find a man who after literally weeks of emails and maybe a phone call or two, maybe some texting or IM-ing, might actually lead to an in-person date in the flesh in a public place. My off and on experience with online dating over the course of several years has made me think that maybe it wasn’t invented to match people at all. Maybe it is just one big entertaining people-watching experiment in an office in Dallas with a foozeball table and free beer, and if you meet the love of your life, then that is just a bonus.
It is clear to me that I have absolutely no skills in selecting a match on match.com. Crocheting a scarf? Yes. Finding the love of my life on the internet? Hell, no.
My mother used to think I was just picky and had really high standards until one day I told her exactly who I’d been turning down. Like how it is amazing that some men can turn any mundane conversation (like where I went to college) into something about sex. Or that some men think that it is OK to call you at 10:15pm on a Saturday night before they even meet you. Or that men can stiff you with a tab (oh, like to the tune of $120) and never make an effort to even pay his share (I always offer to help pay a tab on a first date, btw). Or that it is OK to bring up jokes about their ex on a first date. Or to ask me if I’m into three-ways or swingers bars. On. A. First. Date.
After years of going through this, it just starts to get a little disheartening after a while. There have been so many dates I’ve gone on and thought I’d rather be at home with no makeup on and my teeth whitener trays in watching a re-run of “The Golden Girls” than spend one more minute or stitch of makeup on this guy. I start to wonder what is wrong with me? What's wrong with these men? Why can’t God throw a good one my way? If the “law of attraction” means anything, then am I really a loser douche bag with a faux hawk?
Like I said, match.com is just a big joke that is being controlled somewhere in a Dallas office by a bunch of marketing liars doing whip-its on their lunch breaks, and this is evidenced by the photos people post or the “form letters” I get. “Hey, I just read your profile. Your [sic] really cute. I think we have alot [sic] in common and we should go out. If you want to email me, you can at austinluvr69 at yahoo dot com. ;P”
Match.com - you are not eHarmony. Stop trying to fake some algorithm to match me up with someone. I'm looking for quality, not quantity. Quantity is very easy, actually. So many times none of those green "chemistry" dots in the right navigation do not even come close.
And don’t get me started on the photos…. I don’t think I’m picky at all. I think wanting to meet a nice man who is honest, smart, reliable, respectful and has a sense of humor and some ambition is not being picky. It’s normal, and I deserve that. I want to be won over by a great personality and good character and then see what happens as we get to know each other better. At this point, he doesn’t even have to know that a lot is two words and not one. Or in the words of one email I once received from a guy on match.com “she don’t have to be perfect and she don’t have to be ugly.” (???)
So today, I’m on the phone with match.com customer service. I tried to cancel my subscription last week and thought I had successfully done so. After all, I’ve been doing this for years already. But I had noticed this morning that there was an amount pending to be debited from my account by them today. The match.com woman is giving me the hard sell to persuade me to stay online, so I caved and decided I will stay on for 3 more months for the price of $34.99 (3 months for the price of 1) + some ‘first impression’ thing. The best part is her pitch (I was writing it word for word as she spoke because it was so priceless).
Match.com Woman: Here what I telling you. You are wunna our greatest member. Your account has been open since 2002. I tell you what I do. You pay for one month and you get three month for price of one, and I provide you with de first impression for free.
Me: What is the first impression?
Match.com Woman: Mens are lazy. They not gonna look through more pages to find the girl. I give you the first impression for free and that puts your picture at the top of each search. So with three months for the price of one, you save $8…no $10…no, you save $6.
Me: (?????)
So we made the transaction.
Match.com Woman: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me: No, but what is your name? (I wanted it for my records.)
Match.com Woman: My name is Andrew Johnson. Have a nice day!
I WAS TALKING TO A DUDE THE WHOLE TIME!
Bravo, match.com. You keep that dream alive for all of us single folks looking for love or at least the next booty call.
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